Two Flus and Bronchitis Tonic

and laughing at "this is the worst"

“This is the worst.”

I hear that a lot.

At my first appointment to look at getting adult braces to fix my teeth, which were on their way to looking like an aging highway snow fence, to prevent them from falling out of my face at twenty-six, that’s what the orthodontist said. He said it nicely — “this is the worst.” He said he’d never seen a case like mine before, one with that weird of a cross bite. My teeth met up like strangers talking to each other over the back of a shared booth. Awkward and straining and indecisive.

The assistant who put on my brackets said “this is the worst.” She said she’d never had to put brackets on every single tooth of a person’s mouth before (yes, wisdom teeth too). She called over the orthodontist and the other assistants to stare into my mouth, which I found deeply hilarious. They examined my mouth like archeologists who’d gone out for a nice quiet day of spelunking and found The Lost Ark.

They closed my mouth to discuss the situation and then they jumped and laughed when I said, “Aw, thanks guys, I always wanted to be special.”